


Lest I forgive you {wip}

by AlexxaSick



Series: hundreds of reasons [2]
Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, POV First Person, Porn With Plot, so much fucking angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-20
Updated: 2013-05-25
Packaged: 2017-12-12 11:02:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/810846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexxaSick/pseuds/AlexxaSick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a Song!Fic<br/>It's also a sequel (or prequel?) to Lie with me that I've been meaning to write for a <strike>(very long)</strike> while and since I have this song stuck in my mind I am starting to write.</p><p>The song is "Es más, te perdono" written by the cuban song-writter and singer Noel Nicola and the title translates into something like "Moreover, I forgive you"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The words

**Author's Note:**

> okay I'm putting the lyrics of the song here, and in text I'm going to use a translation I made 
> 
> Es más, te perdono,  
> el montón de palabras  
> que has soplado en mi oído  
> desde que te conozco
> 
> Te perdono  
> tus fotos y tus gatos  
> tus comidas afuera  
> Cervezas y cigarros
> 
> Es más, te perdono  
> andar como tu andas  
> tus zapatos de nube,  
> tus dientes y tu pelo.
> 
> Te perdono  
> los cientos de razones,  
> los miles de problemas,  
> en fin, te perdono no amarme.
> 
> Lo que no te perdono  
> es haberme besado  
> con tanta alevosía.
> 
> Tengo testigos:  
> un perro, la madrugada, el frío,  
> y eso sí que no te lo perdono,  
> pues si te lo perdono seguro que lo olvido.

 

 

 

 

> _Moreover, I forgive you_
> 
> _The bunch of words_
> 
> _That you've whispered in my ear_
> 
> _Since I met you_

 

_Let's get out of here_

 

Your whisper crawls into my ear. I grow so weak when you're around. I glance at Sho-san who is absorbed by the staff members, he listens carefully whatever they say and speaks slowly measuring his words. I don't know then, I make my self stop hoping, I tell myself you are just bored. Maybe it's just that I crave to be alone with you. The thirst for your attention consumes me, and I comply to your wishes. After all, we had already spent a polite amount of time here, in the party Our managers won't make us come back now. I want to ask you why you didn't tell Sho to take you home, but then your arm slides between mine and my body. I think you wanted to hold hands, but I had mine in my pockets.

 

You lean on me like you have lost your equilibrium. You are being louder than usual when you tell me about the last time you went out with the Shimura Dobutsuen cast. I can see the forethought of your actions, though. I know we didn't drink that much. You prop yourself against my car when we get there.  I fight back with the will of my body. The same way I have ever done. This struggle that is so familiar, so domestic, that I usually don't feel it anymore. Under the cold light of the parking lot my eyes trace each and every mole in  your face, every scar, dimple or imperfection... my breathing stops and I will it to continue. You are gorgeous even if the light's too harsh to make anyone look good. "Stop staring" I tell myself and pinch the button on my car key to unlock it. 

 

_Matsujun has a great ass_

 

I hear you say over the soft hum of the engine and I snort. It's easier to dismiss it as a joke. To push it away from the place where your words are nesting stubbornly. To treat them as one of your "I love ARASHI" spells.  Yet, somehow, everything feels heavier with the wistful thought of you getting off looking at my ass. I turn away, I need to reach the driver's door.

You take my arm and pull me. Your body is so hot. So hot and so lean. Solid. A part of me wants to think of Sho. A part of me wants to pull away. But mostly even the parts that are protesting, I want to be even closer. You groan, then, shutting my rationality off. Your voice spreads the few inches that separate your face from mine. It sounds thick and raspy. It seeps through all the barriers I have built, through all the shields, through all the no's in my head.

 

_...I want to make you feel good...  
_

A shiver. I think something shattered when you said "good". I'm not ready to believe it's that easy. All the year containing my want, calming my desires in cold showers after the concerts; watching you get intimate with Sho. 

You just don't realize how much damage you're doing.

 

I open the passenger's door to force you to enter to the car. I need you to stop. I need it badly because I don't know what to do with all that you make me feel.

 

 

* * *

 

You don't stop.

You torture me slowly with your hand on my knee.

I ask you to cut it out.

You tell me in how many ways you've been picturing us.

 

I cannot handle my self anymore when you refuse to climb down my car if I don't go up to your apartment with you. I cave in, I let you get closer than you have to. I revel in your heat, I don't push you away as I should have. Sho is my friend, my co-worker, he's family, and this could make work environment so difficult. Nino would never forgive me, and Ohno...

 

How can I care about all that when you are kissing me by the door? When I've been telling myself that this cannot happen for the last fourteen years? How can I even remember Nino and Sho and Leader if your tongue pushes between my lips?

I take the fall, deep into your embrace. I let you pull me into the bedroom. I let you undress me. I let you kiss me wherever you want. It's the way your skin glows with the thin sheen of sweat that breaks my passivity. So I push you into the bed and take over your body. I make you beg for release before it's all over.

 

Sadness sinks in my bones and I am too proud to shed the tear that threatens to fall. I don't cry, as much as I could have. How could I when you're looking me with those beautiful doe eyes and that wide smile of yours?

 

You kiss me slow. Stopping from time to time to groan into my ear how many years you waited for me, how much you wanted me, how much you wanted this to happen.

  
Sho finds us in bed, still exchanging lazy kisses. I do not hear him come in. He doesn't say anything, anyway.

 

_Stay_

 

I hear, but I now that I'm aware that Sho is here it all feels alien. I get dressed while you watch me. I wonder if you've noticed your mouth is open while you sit there immobile, probably thinking a way to make this better for all of us. Sho is not crying when I come out of the room, not that I wanted him to be, or that I even expected it. His face looks almost dead when his eyes fix on me. The "I'm sorry" I was going to say dries up in my throat. I want to explain, to say anything. He shakes his head before looking away from me. I know this look. It's the same look I got when I told him I was quitting high school. The look that meant he was disappointed and furious. I escape without another word, without saying goodbye, not even to you.

 

I camp on Nino's couch like a zombie. I don't tell him what's wrong. I think he knows anyway.


	2. A cat and a beer

 

 

 

 

 

> I forgive you
> 
> Your photos and your cats
> 
> Your meal outings
> 
> Beers and cigarettes

 

Arashi didn't realize when you started picking up strays. We don't really visit each other's home that much, don't we? The first time I was here I didn't have enough presence of mind to notice anything but you in here, and I think something similar happened the second time. I realized what you did the third time I was at your place, you had a gray cat and an orange one then.

 

Sho is there for the fourth time I'm here. I want to go away, but Nino and Leader are going to be arriving soon, and the thought helps me to hang on, to grab the beer offered to me. We are not staying here, we are just gathering here, then we're going to have dinner and some drinks.

 

You bring a white cat. One I haven't seen before. You tell me it's friendlier than any cat you ever met,

 

_I swear Jun-kun!_

 

You say as you put it on my lap. It stays there for about a minute before he claws my legs and your sofa and run away. You laugh and stand up to go for it. Sho sighs, and I ask him if he can believe it. But he ignores me.

 

_We are not okay_

 

Sho tells me in a whisper, so you won't hear now you've gone to catch the cat again.

 

_Don't act like we are, because we are not._

* * *

 

Nino asks me several times if I'm okay. I tell him I'm just considering a role I've been offered, but he doesn't buy it. Nino's more aware about everyone around him than people give him credit for. He knows I'll tell him in the end so he eventually stops asking. We have fun, the five of us... as much fun I can manage with Sho treating me so coldly.

 

You sit beside me and randomly take drags from my cigarette, you think because you didn't light it or bought it, it means that you're not smoking. I find that adorable and I just want to kiss you, suck the smoke out of your lungs... I turn my eyes away from you and notice Sho is staring at us and I push you away. For a moment you seem hurt, but the next Leader cracks a joke and you're giggling again.

 

They bring the fifth round of beer and it's Nino's turn to pay, which he almost wiggles out, until Leader points out that his wallet is sticking out his pocket. You find that hilarious and while you're laughing you lean on Sho. He looks at you like you're the most precious thing in the whole wide earth, and I'm done. I need to go home.

 

I drink my beer in a gulp. When I announce I need to go to bed because I have to get up early the next day, Nino says he'll share a cab with me. I know we don't live close, but I let him come with me anyway. He tags along all the way to my place.

  
Nino says that you're not trying to hurt either one of us. But I, unlike him, don't think you're stupid enough to not notice what you're doing.

 

_Do you think he has enough malice to wait and see which one of you he breaks first?_

 

Nino tells me and it makes sense. Then I realize I didn't explain the situation, I  ask him if you blabbed to him, but he denies it, I hate when he gets this smug. But he confides me that it's too obvious, that I'm not as discreet as I thought I was.

  
I think I need to stop hanging out with all of you at the same time. I need to stop hanging out with just you.


	3. The blue slippers

 

 

>  Moreover, I forgive you
> 
> That you walk the way you walk
> 
> Your shoes made of clouds
> 
> Your teeth and your hair

 

I've managed to stay away from you for three months.

 

It's not painful, is not wistful, is not melancholic, I just feel like there is nothing left inside of me. We work day in and day out, I smile for the cameras, I do my part, you play your part, Sho plays his part as well as Nino and Leader do theirs. I even laugh with all of you. I think Sho is not so upset anymore, at least we can be civil now.

 

Nino's hanging a lot with me lately, or rather make me go to his place a lot to hang out. I don't mind, keeps me from calling you, and at the same time he is sure I'm not moping alone. Not that I'd do that.

 

The tour is over us and everyone is excited, me included. We are ready to hit the road, and before we know it we're in Nagoya and we're just out of a concert. I have a bottle of sake stashed in my room, and I review some scripts management want me to see as I ride down the high of the performance while drinking it.

 

I must confess that it startles me when someone knocks on my door. Hoping is not some rabidly lunatic fan-girl that somehow ducked the Hotel's security I open the door. Instead there's a young man dressed in the hotel's uniform who looks nervous, his behavior confuses me, he's stuttering badly. I finally listen your name and come with me... and even if I don't understand anything else, your name alone is enough to get my attention.

 

The man guides me towards a hallway, and you're lying on the floor. For a moment I am at loss on what to do, or an explanation on why are you there. I get scared for your health. I imagine the worst, but when I get closer to tap your shoulder. You open your eyes and smile.

 

"Jun is really a savior, ne?" You say over and over again while we walk to my room so you can call the front desk so they can open your door.

 

When I lift the phone to call the management to get help, you take my wrist and guide me to put the receiver back to its place. All the wistfulness, melancholy and pain that I've been ignoring, or hiding or whatever make their way to my chest again. I don't want to cry. Damn, why are you doing this to me?

 

"Jun-kun, can I stay here instead?" You sit on my bed, your eyes glistening with the terrible illumination in this particular hotel room.

 

"Why don't you call Sho? Why don't you stay with him?" I ask toeing the slippers you have left by the door. They aren't the ones provided by the hotel. They're ones that Nino gave you some birthdays ago. They are blue with some Mario themed print, with the little clouds and the bricks...

 

"Because..." You start and move. I don't look up. I don't want to see whatever you are going to do. I close my eyes. "Sho-chan won't touch me. He says he loves me but he won't touch me.... and Jun... you won't even look at me anymore, and I miss Jun.." You crowd me with your skinny body you get into my personal space and crowd me more than when we are in the middle of all our fans in a concert. "I love you Jun. I..." You stop talking to search for my eyes, I feel you move but I can't.

 

You get impossibly closer, I don't understand how can you, with your thin frame overwhelm me so much. You aren't much taller than me, but you feel so much bigger as you lean forward to press your lips against my ear, "I love Jun," you repeat, taking my wrists and wrapping my arms around your waist. I can't resist anymore and bring you even closer, until there's nothing between your body and mine.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fixed some typos and mistakes in the past chapters, :S changed a few sentences too  
> June 29th, I wrote quite a bit before firefox collapsed and I lost everything!! OTZ I suck

**Author's Note:**

> feel free of comment my creative process, I'm open for it this is the first time I attempt to publish it.


End file.
